those who can't...uh...don't....

i wish i had talent.

sigh.

can't get enough...

my obsession of the past 48 hours.

deaths and stuff. can't help it.

Those experiencing death can’t tell you their story. They can’t tell you what they saw or how they felt or what dying was like in general. People who have a near-death experience and experience that whole “My-Life-Flashed-Before-My-Eyes” thing gives people the idea, “Aha! That’s what happens before you die – your life flashes before your eyes.” But…that’s just a theory. Maybe your life flashes before your eyes only in a near-death experience. The full-fledged death experience could be an entirely different thing.

Have you ever wondered if someone knows they’re going to die? I’m not talking about the terminally ill or the people who are realistic and logical enough to sit down and actually think about and accept the fact that one day the will die. I’m talking about the people that die very suddenly, without warning.

So perhaps to that you’re thinking, “Well, no. Of course they don’t know they’re going to die if they have a sudden, unexpected death.” Like….say….a car crash, for example. You can say that the person who dies in an accident on the road never saw it coming. Perhaps, for that exact moment, they didn’t. They did not know they were going to have an eighteen-wheeler t-bone them. They didn’t know the exact when, where, or how. But...what if for weeks, maybe even months, they had this idea in the back of their head that they were going to die soon. They couldn’t tell anyone because they would just sound crazy, right? There’s really no way of knowing, is there?

Anyway. I'm gonna go see what's on T.V.

day two

despite getting too much sleep, i feel better than i have been feeling in a while.

i keep waking up at 5 or 6 in the morning...but i cannot get myself out of bed for anything. i'll just lie there and drift in and out of strange dreams or stay in that half-awake state until about 10 o'clock. then i'll finally get up and go about my day, silently lamenting over the fact that i've lost most of the hours in which to actually get stuff done. slightly ironic in that after a teeny spark of motivation, it's gone. and aside from dishes, laundry, taking care of my grandfather and getting homework done...i really have no desire to do anything.

getting up at 10 wouldn't be such an issue if i were on my normal schedule -- my normal schedule of staying up till three or four in the morning. i, however, quickly lose consciousness by ten o'clock. eleven o'clock if i fight the sleep.

not even conan o'brien can get me to stay up. how tragic.

so..yeah. twelve hours of sleep. interrupted sleep. but twelve hours of being wrapped up in soft covers and refusing to get up....it's a bit of a problem, no? this is my favorite time of year with my favorite weather and less of the harsh sunlight and beautiful autumn colors. i should be enjoying this more.




but despite all that i have just told you...i am feeling pretty good today.
i've gotten more done than usual and i keep eyeballing the volumes of text on the bookshelves next to me. a session with a good book, autumn air and a mug of herbal tea sounds wonderful right now.


could the cleanse be responsible for my uplifted mood today? perhaps.
could it be too soon to tell? perhaps.

we'll have to see.

fix it

every day i arrive at school at the same time.
and every day i watch the same girl spend 7 minutes parking her red toyota camry in the parking garage.
she backs up, pulls forward, backs up, pulls forward, backs up, gets out of her car, looks, shakes her head, pulls forward, backs up, gets out of her car, looks, shrugs, grabs her stuff, locks the car up and makes her way across the street.

i have to watch her every morning. i don't know why. if i don't watch her it's kind of like going to disney world without seeing mickey mouse.


i'm easily amused.


so, anyway. i need a break from food. my body is feeling rather slow and sluggish. my mind has had this constant cloudiness stopping me from...well...too much. i seek clarity, both mental and physical. my solution to achieving this is by partaking in a cleanse. we'll see after four days how long i'll keep up with it.
i don't know what's going on but i'm just not enjoying food. i haven't actually felt hunger for about three weeks now. when i do feel hungry, it passes within minutes. when i quickly find something to eat before the hunger growling goes away, i'm full after a few bites. and even if whatever i'm eating is absolutely delicious...i don't have that yummy feeling of satisfaction afterward. i don't feel full in an, "mmm" sort of way. it's more of a "ungh" kind of way. instead of feeling good, i feel swollen.

the last time i had this general feeling of ickiness i did this cleanse for about three or four days. after the last day i felt pretty good again. like my system reset itself. good feeling. so that's why i'm doing this again.

aside from feeling better, my mind was a lot clearer. i felt sharper. my imagination soared, i did better than usual in my studies, and i could actually focus. i cannot express how difficult it is for me to focus.


clarity. i crave it.

nothing.

just another day of accomplishing nothing. sigh.

"...underachieving...
'cause no one's receiving..."

bein' a whiny brat, yessir.

no one takes me seriously.

no one listens to me.

it makes me feel awesome. mmhmm.

i want to be analyzed.

i've spent about an hour on SimilarMinds taking all sorts of fun tests.
i could spend lots and lots of more time on there, but i think i shall be going to bed soon.

weird, right? it's only 11. it's early.

anyway. i thought i'd share some of my results, just for the hell of it.

trait snapshot:
introverted, secretive, messy, depressed (?!!?), does not like leadership, somewhat nihilistic (not sure i agree with that), observer (well...yes) , has little desire to make friends, unassertive, feels invisible, feels undesirable, hates large parties (mmhmm), does not like to stand out, leisurely, suspicious, abstract, unpredictable, intellectual, likes rain (love it, actually), likes the unknown, negative, weird (as i am often told), not a risk taker, unadventurous (i totally dig adventure.pish), avoidant, strange.


to be honest, i kind of want to meet up with a therapist. i want to be analyzed! seriously. i'm deeply curious to know what kind of observations and conclusions one could make by asking me the right questions.

very curious, yes. am i actually curious enough to find out?

eh. not really.

i want to be a hermit. and live in the woods.

as usual...no one gets it.


"why so reclusive?"

ha!




why so cryptic?

meh.

it's kind of frustrating.

i have trouble expressing myself.

in writing i type, erase, retype, edit, erase, retype again, repeat.....until i sort of get the idea across. or until i just get frustrated and give up.

artistically...i think too much, thus not allowing myself to be free enough to just channel my inner energy through paint or photographs or charcoal on a sheet of paper.

verbally....forget it. doesn't happen.







my dreams are terribly boring.

that irritates me, too.

so serious.

i take myself too seriously.

i should stop immediately.

ugh.

one would think that a decent night's sleep would follow a day-long hiking trip.
such is not the case, unfortunately.

self.

sometimes...it's wonderful.
imperfections are beautiful. awkwardness and flaws can be endearing.

sometimes, however, not so much. it's like pine sap. you can feel it on you and it's uncomfortable and you can't wash it off no matter what you do. you can't help but be hyper-aware of it, growing more and more frustrated with each passing minute, begging for whatever it is to go away despite knowing that it's permanently embedded and wired into your soul and flesh and everything in between.

it can be embraced. it can be loathed.



right now, i hate it. so very much.

a waste of time and energy? absolutely.

it's okay.

the great thing about growing up is that you get to leave behind the person you used to be.

downfall is that you're still not all that great anyway. but people don't seem to mind.






when did i realize that my childhood was over? three main things happened:
1) i found out that my parents are just human, with flaws and fears and weaknesses.
2) i realized that i would either experience the deaths of everyone i knew. unless i died first. either way, a strong sense of mortality certainly nudged me.
3) i finally understood that i am not the center of the universe, and i became significantly less selfish than i ever had been. i'm still quite selfish. just not as selfish as i once was.

entering adulthood has little to do with a number or how many experiences you've had or how mature you are. those factors are certainly taken into consideration...but alone they don't determine whether or not you're "all grown up".

mood

this song is a reflection of my mood today:




it's one of the more beautiful songs from Dragon Age: Origins.

this is very much how i'm feeling today. calm...wistful...

and, appropriately so, it's a gloomy day. i woke up to a gray veiled sky, which is always comforting. it's a nice change from being tugged and poked at by pesky sunbeams.


out of curiosity, how does this song make you feel? does it match your mood at all? is there a particular song that best represents your mood right now?

tell me. i'd like to know.

i can be evil, i guess

i had a dream that this malicious-looking man was attempting to kidnap me.

i somehow managed, in awesome Michael-Weston-from-Burn-Notice style, to turn everything around; i managed to kidnap him instead.

i then knocked him out cold and gave him a sex change.
(of course i would know how to do something like that in my dreams)

he (?she?) woke up, was absolutely horrified and most likely scarred for life. he/she ran off without any pants. i don't quite understand why. but what's the use in trying to figure these odd things out?


but yeah. gave the poor man a sex change.
how wicked of me. i love it.

fun fact #326

so here's a fun fact: maggots don't gross me out.

huh. who knew.

uh...

i've never understood this:

person: "i had such a great time at that party! it was so much fun!!!" *pause* "i don't remember a thing. i was so drunk. but it was fun!"

me: *sigh* -.- "okay."


....how do you know you had fun...?

obsession.

ah, yes. my obsessions. when i fall in love with something, i fall in deep. it doesn't happen too often.

i've been madly in love with David Bowie since i was 10 years old. and by "madly in love" i mean i just love the man's music and his haunting voice. i discovered David Bowie when i was four when my mom rented the film Labyrinth for me to watch. i instantly became obsessed with the movie for its eerie fairy tale allure, and for the handsome goblin king. it wasn't until i was 10 when i went to a music store (back when they sold both cds and cassette tapes) that i realized that this Bowie gentleman had many, many records out. I purchased a copy of Outside, and it was then that i realized that i loved this brit and his music, and forever would. i was hooked.

my latest obsessions include...
Dragon Age: Origins.
Pendulum is very much on my love list.
Dorian Gray is way up there. (Oscar Wilde. mmm.)

i used to really love Tim Burton's work, but lately i've grown tired of his stuff. i love his dark style, but he's so predictable. i really hope he doesn't do a remake of Labyrinth. it has potential, but knowing him, he'd just cast the same actors he always casts in his films and turn the slightly eerie fairy-tale world much, much darker than it needs to be.

goosebumps

this song gives me goosebumps.

ignore for a moment that this song is linked to our current unexplainable cultural phenomenon that is so alluring even the haters are obsessed with it.

just enjoy the song.



the first few times i listened to it, i actually came reeeaaally close to tears. just a little bit. don't tell anyone.

it really surprised me, considering i hadn't been displaying (let alone experiencing) emotions for quite a while. i'd been rather content in my gray area; my little island of no tides and lack of weather fluctuations.

sad.

i'm really sad today.

i don't know why.

i'm also feeling rather unremarkable, but i doubt this is related to the melancholic thoughts.

4 o'clock in the morning

There's something about 4am. Something...beautiful and stimulating and rare.

This particular 4am is extra wonderful for being slightly drizzly (a downpour would be much better...but this is still nice) and for the air being a sweet, refreshing 67 degrees.

I woke up to the cool air gently brushing over my skin, giving me goosebumps.

Except for the sounds of songbirds, the rain, rustling foliage, and my neighbors' central air units, (which reeeeaaally don't need to be on. sigh.) it is blissfully quiet.

Forcing myself to be a Day Person hasn't been without difficulty. I miss my dark, slightly chilled, quiet nights. I miss seeing the mornings from the other side - from dark to light - rather than by being rudely awakened by the tugging sunbeams. I don't like the fact that once the sun sets, once I actually feel awake and alive again, I must force myself to sleep with the guidance of a little round pill.

never in my life have i ever appreciated the beauty of spring until this year. autumn and winter are my seasons. especially autumn.

i've always generally disliked spring. i guess it was mostly because i find the transition from cold to warm to be uncomfortable. after a sweltering hot summer, autumn is most refreshing. but after a cozy winter, spring is just kinda....eh. you put a sweater on and you're too hot. take it off, you're too cold. the sun is strong and warms your skin and cooks you in your car, but the breeze is cool and you end up with goosebumps.

very uncomfortable.

but this spring...like....right now....i'm looking around like i've never seen this season before. it's odd. this must be a part of growing older; actually noticing and appreciating things on a different level.

never have i found myself standing in the middle of the sidewalk, just gazing up in awe at the vivid blossoms on the trees i can't identify aside from cherry blossoms, weeping cherries, and dogwoods. how have i never cared about this before?!? gorgeous. absolutely beautiful. especially when the delicate pink blossom petals get coaxed by the wind to let go of its tree and flutter down like confetti.

is this sounding terribly cheesy? i can't help it. this is so strange. it's like i've been asleep all my life during this time of year. i can't express that enough.

and everything is so.....green. i love that. i miss my snow, but i'm really digging the green.

i have no idea where i've been all this time. this really isn't groundbreaking or anything.

but...

...wow.
yeah.

i heart quebec city

i took a spontaneous mini-vacation to Quebec City. 12 hour drive each way. totally worth it.

my 'ol high school buddy and i went up to visit our friend who was an exchange student our senior year.

my husband didn't want to come along because he didn't want to leave the cats behind. yep, that's right. i married a crazy cat guy.

Quebec City is quite possibly one of the greatest cities in the world. i am totally in love with the place. where else can you party on the roof of an apartment complex with your own personal dj without having anyone call the cops on you? not Baltimore, that's for sure. unless...i've just been going to the wrong parties...

the food...OH the food! there are REAL bakeries. REAL cafes. REAL butchers. POUTINE!

there's so much to do, so much to see. such culture. and preserved history. beautiful architecture. amazing people.

the people carry themselves differently in Quebec City than they do around here. people there are more confident. they walk tall and they don't have shifty eyes. they don't act paranoid, and they're perfectly comfortable being alone. here, people feel awkward being alone. you can tell from their expressions. they keep themselves occupied (or try to look busy) by texting or talking on the phone. in Quebec City, you don't see any of that. people are perfectly okay with venturing off themselves.

despite the stellar time i had, i was feeling less than awesome. i had a headache for pretty much 4 days straight, i was worn out thanks to *ahem*girlyissues*cough* (tmi?) but despite all that i was in a pretty good mood. i was definitely having fun, but i don't show enthusiasm in a hyper, giddy way. i'm pretty mellow, even if on the inside i'm all, "OMG THIS IS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!"


i use the word "awesome" a lot. hmm.

i was getting reeeaaaally frustrated because everyone, for 3 days straight, kept asking, "Are you okay?" and "Are you having fun?" and "Is everything all right?"

very. very. annoying.

ah...and my favorite, "You're being really quiet today."

really quiet...today? because i'm not normally quiet?
i am quiet by nature. unless i have something really interesting or entertaining to say, i generally keep to myself. i have always always always been like this. people act like it's out of character.


i don't get it.


plus, everyone was speaking French anyway. sooooo....it's not like i could jump into the conversation. unless i just threw in random phrases like, "J'aime fromage!" or "Je suis un grande pomme de terre!"

actually...
that might have been kinda funny...

aww *crush*

sigh. sooooo....fictional characters.




i used to play video games quite often. maybe for about 2 hours a day. 3 or 4 hours on the weekends. if i really liked the game i'd play nonstop for about...ohhhh...3 days straight. liiike, Fable, for example. and The Sims. and Condemned: Criminal Origins.



but unfortunately, i haven't had the time nor the luxury to engage in such zombie-esque fun. granted i have taken up some new hobbies like kayaking and hiking and all sorts of crafty stuff. and i've been crazy busy taking care of my grandfather/going to school/and stuff.

my husband (still feels weird saying that) signed us up for gamefly. why? i do not know. it would have been great to have it a few years ago when we actually played more often (and wasted quite a bit of money on horrible, horrible games) and didn't have so many other things to take up our time. but we have gamefly now and actually it worked out pretty well seeing as how we got a couple of games in riiiiight before the epic snowstorm(s) of last month. he chose some Madden football game.

i chose Dragon Age.

yeah.






so now i have a crush on a fictional character named Alistair allllll because of that game.

i'm such a nerd.

"come on down to the other side"

addictive song/trippy video of the day.

i've had this song on repeat for the past....oh.....3 hours.

enjoy!

stuffs i loves.

for the hell of it...a list of things i love. ready?

in no particular order:

snow.

black&white photography.

irony.

sushi.

penguins.

5 o'clock in the morning.

catching people off-guard by doing something unpredictable.

cats.

Commander Keen. (anyone?)

kimchi.

boys that wear eyeliner.

steampunk anything.

stars.

lucid dreams.

Repo! The Genetic Opera.

knitting. (shh.)

silence.

mountains.

hot showers in the dead of winter.

cold showers in the summer.

kayaking.

solitude.

wine.

teddy bears.

"Propane Nightmares" by Pendulum.

socks.

cucumbers.

exhaustion, resulting in loss of consciousness the very moment head makes contact with pillow.

traveling by train.

ramen.

blankets.

fresh air.

coconuts.


nothing groundbreaking.
nothing original.
but it's me.