the quiet girl

i've always been the quiet girl.

not the painfully shy quiet girl that cringes every time her presence is acknowledged or that fiddles around with her hands and nervously utters, "uhmm...umm...uhh..." when asked a question.

i've just been the quiet girl. the observer. slightly detached from the world, often forgetting that i'm a part of it.

people have always assumed that i'm shy because i wait for people to approach me first. if that makes me shy...then i guess i am. but i don't think i'm shy. the reason i wait for people to come to me is because i don't know how to break the ice. half of the thoughts that run through my mind i think aren't worth saying out loud.

i've realized that i make people somewhat uncomfortable at times. they say silence is "awkward".

silence isn't awkward. it's serene. it's beautiful. if you're with the right person, you can connect and exchange thoughts, emotions and ideas without a single word.

sometimes i miss my former best friend. sometimes.
we could both feel particularly chatty and yammer on for a few hours one day, then the next day spend 6 hours without saying as much as 5 sentences, yet still feeling completely comfortable with each other. we'd give each other a "did you just see/hear that?" glance or a "ready to go?" gesture or "what to do now?" look followed by a shrug.....

it was refreshing not to have to listen to someone talk and talk and talk and talk about anything and everything yet nothing at all at the same time. and it was nice knowing that neither one of us felt like silence had to be filled.


our society doesn't approve of those who happen to not be so verbose. quiet = boring, dumb, odd. some say the quiet are mysterious. being mysterious is pretty cool.


where was i going with this?


ohh yes, now i remember.

slightly unrelated side note: i often wonder if i misrepresent myself or if people are just really bad at their attempts to figure me out.

people often assume that i'm "hiding in my shell" and that i'll eventually come out of said shell. they're surprised to find out that i listen to mindless self indulgence and my chemical romance. i must look like a hardcore Barry Manilow fan or something. iunno.

people assume a lot, though. maybe it isn't just me.


back to the original topic: in that i'm used to being in the background, i often get caught off guard when strangers approach me out in the world and start talking to me. i usually ignore them because i've responded to a number of people who just happened to be talking into their little bluetooth device thingy (hidden behind their hair so it looks like they're talking to their head voices)....but when i finally realize they are talking to me, it takes a second before i can say anything. i just kind of stand there for a split second in a "you can see me?!?!" manner, before chatting away.

hm. bit of a run-on sentence there.

i don't mind talking to strangers. i know there are a number of socially inept individuals that give people a dirty look for a mere "hello". i usually won't start the conversation, but i don't mind carrying one with someone for a few minutes.

(it does surprise me that i look friendly enough to talk to)

it is exhausting, though. the extroverts get a high and energy from talking to people while introverts (even though many enjoy it) just get worn out after a while.

i want to go on one of those silent retreats where you meditate for 3 days in complete silence. no one speaks at all except for the first and last dinners. many people hear that and they immediately begin to panic a bit. "No talking for three days?!?!"

ahh, but it sounds amazing to me. like a dream. i would love it. i need it.

i don't get any alone time anymore and i miss it terribly.