bleak

i feel like a stranger living in an harrowing and unfamiliar world. i feel like i don't belong here anymore.

any spark of inspiration is just that - a mere spark that sizzles and extinguishes as quickly as it ignited.

at random moments throughout the day i'll perk up at the thought of writing down my daydreams or putting the odd things that go through my mind down in a sketchbook/journal or going out and putting my canon eos 40d to good use...

seconds later the minuscule bit of motivation is gone.

embraces feel cold and empty.

i feel somewhat distanced from my closest friends.

nothing is exciting or inspiring or magical.


music doesn't take me away like it used to. it doesn't quite set the atmosphere or mood to where it could be. it doesn't affect me or my emotions anymore.



how depressing.


here's the thing: i'm not depressed.


i realize these things i just listed should bother me, but i don't really feel.....anything.

just blah. very, very blah.


hopefully this will pass. it's been about a year and a half now that i've felt this way. it hasn't gotten worse. it's just been constant.

a constant, unwavering feeling of apathy, spiritless, disenchanted nothingness.

meh.

i'll figure it out.

the quiet girl

i've always been the quiet girl.

not the painfully shy quiet girl that cringes every time her presence is acknowledged or that fiddles around with her hands and nervously utters, "uhmm...umm...uhh..." when asked a question.

i've just been the quiet girl. the observer. slightly detached from the world, often forgetting that i'm a part of it.

people have always assumed that i'm shy because i wait for people to approach me first. if that makes me shy...then i guess i am. but i don't think i'm shy. the reason i wait for people to come to me is because i don't know how to break the ice. half of the thoughts that run through my mind i think aren't worth saying out loud.

i've realized that i make people somewhat uncomfortable at times. they say silence is "awkward".

silence isn't awkward. it's serene. it's beautiful. if you're with the right person, you can connect and exchange thoughts, emotions and ideas without a single word.

sometimes i miss my former best friend. sometimes.
we could both feel particularly chatty and yammer on for a few hours one day, then the next day spend 6 hours without saying as much as 5 sentences, yet still feeling completely comfortable with each other. we'd give each other a "did you just see/hear that?" glance or a "ready to go?" gesture or "what to do now?" look followed by a shrug.....

it was refreshing not to have to listen to someone talk and talk and talk and talk about anything and everything yet nothing at all at the same time. and it was nice knowing that neither one of us felt like silence had to be filled.


our society doesn't approve of those who happen to not be so verbose. quiet = boring, dumb, odd. some say the quiet are mysterious. being mysterious is pretty cool.


where was i going with this?


ohh yes, now i remember.

slightly unrelated side note: i often wonder if i misrepresent myself or if people are just really bad at their attempts to figure me out.

people often assume that i'm "hiding in my shell" and that i'll eventually come out of said shell. they're surprised to find out that i listen to mindless self indulgence and my chemical romance. i must look like a hardcore Barry Manilow fan or something. iunno.

people assume a lot, though. maybe it isn't just me.


back to the original topic: in that i'm used to being in the background, i often get caught off guard when strangers approach me out in the world and start talking to me. i usually ignore them because i've responded to a number of people who just happened to be talking into their little bluetooth device thingy (hidden behind their hair so it looks like they're talking to their head voices)....but when i finally realize they are talking to me, it takes a second before i can say anything. i just kind of stand there for a split second in a "you can see me?!?!" manner, before chatting away.

hm. bit of a run-on sentence there.

i don't mind talking to strangers. i know there are a number of socially inept individuals that give people a dirty look for a mere "hello". i usually won't start the conversation, but i don't mind carrying one with someone for a few minutes.

(it does surprise me that i look friendly enough to talk to)

it is exhausting, though. the extroverts get a high and energy from talking to people while introverts (even though many enjoy it) just get worn out after a while.

i want to go on one of those silent retreats where you meditate for 3 days in complete silence. no one speaks at all except for the first and last dinners. many people hear that and they immediately begin to panic a bit. "No talking for three days?!?!"

ahh, but it sounds amazing to me. like a dream. i would love it. i need it.

i don't get any alone time anymore and i miss it terribly.

morning of awesomeness.

i love rainy days. when i say, "it's a beautiful day," that means it's grey, gloomy, pouring down rain. bonus if it's so foggy the visibility is 10 feet.

i woke up to an absolutely gorgeous day. no fog, but still nice and cold and rainy. no sunshine to poke at me insistently, using its super-ray power to push the right button via the optic nerve to bring me back to consciousness.

i love waking up to the sound of rain.

a few minutes later my friend called asking if i wanted to go to the Arboretum.

"it's a beautiful day!" he said.
"ohh...i know," i sighed. "but i can't today. i have last minute wedding stuff to take care of."

i'm getting married in a week.


yikes.

and about 30 minutes after i hung up the phone, the rain slowly transformed itself into little icy particles. instead of plummeting down to the earth with loud "plit plat pitter" along with a soft "shhhhhhh" in the background, everything became completely silent.

one of my favorite things in the world is absolute silence. snow is up there on the list as well...and the two are rarely ever without the other.


so i'm sitting here....quite content. the wedding stress (although i am mentioning it) is tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind.

right now...this moment...everything is wonderful.

i have my mug of earl gray tea. i have my snow. silence. a sense of peace. it's refreshing.


excuse me while i go soak it all in...

hypnopompic hallucinations

more often than not i tend to have these odd little hallucinations as i wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or early in the morning. i see things that are there, but not the way they actually are.


did that make sense?


let me explain.


the other night i was asleepin' on the couch. my cat, Marvin, was at my feet. i woke up because he decided he needed to give himself a bath at 3 o'clock in the morning. (i'm a light sleeper). so i sat up to look at him, and an orange and white cat jumped up onto the couch with us and started rubbing up against Marvin. i watched as Marvin started licking the orange and white cat....and it took me about 10 seconds to go, "wait a minute.....where the hell did this cat come from?!?!?!"

i closed my eyes, blinked a few times, and when i looked again....there was no orange and white cat, but my fiancee's calico tabby kitten. odd. why did i see a completely different cat?



years ago i had gotten a series of love letters from a boy i knew in high school. one particular morning i woke up and practically jumped out bed in a slight fit of panic when i saw Love Letter Boy lying down next to me. slowly, his image melted...faded...leaving my boyfriend there.

this happens so often. this phenomenon is called "hypnopompic hallucinations".

interesting stuff.

has this ever happened to you?

photogenic?

some days i feel like i look better in real life than i do in photographs. and i'm ok with that....as long as no one takes any pictures of me.

other days i feel like i look better through the lens. that makes me sad.

spooderz!

when i lived with my parents i had a little spider that i let live in my closet. he kept the bug population down. kept to himself. was very clean. easily the best roommate I ever had.