so uncertain...

i'm 25 years old. should i be able to tell you who i am? should i have a concrete sense of self?


my list of likes and dislikes, my accomplishments, my character flaws, my beliefs, my quirks...they're all there, very real. i know the fact that i love psychological thrillers, pho, post-hardcore punk, frogs, bonfires and ghost stories are there in that "me" box. but...i don't know. all of these things that make me who i am...seem to just be there without making me who i am.

that makes no sense.

i seem to be having an identity disturbance. not only do people not get me, but i don't even know myself. while people around me are very present and solid, i feel like i'm just halfway here. in the scene, but translucent. not quite a whole person. people can see me but they don't know what to make of what they see.

something seems to be missing. is it passion? have i not "found myself"?

can you be perfectly content with yourself and your life even if you're not entirely sure who you are and what exactly you're doing?
i'm sure a good number of people have no idea what they're doing here. the lucky ones have found their dream jobs or are out on a mission. but a lot of us haven't a clue.

but there are many people i look at and i can tell they know exactly who they are. not only do they know who they are, but they present it as well. in subtle ways.

i, apparantly, do not present myself accurately. i'm not sure what to make of that. i have no idea what people see when they look at me.

last year, a friend of mine and i were bored with the music on our Mp3 players. so we traded to see what the other one liked to listen to. after about an hour my friend approached me...in awe...saying that she would've never guessed that i liked such "hardcore" music like Nine Inch Nails or My Chemical Romance.

"You just don't look like the kind of person that listens to that kind of music," she had said.

er...what kind of music do i look like i listen to? Kenny G?

i'd gotten comments like this quite often. am i misrepresenting myself or are people just really, really bad at reading me?

i'm not sure. a little bit of both, perhaps?

ok, enough rhetorical questions for today.