deaths and stuff. can't help it.

Those experiencing death can’t tell you their story. They can’t tell you what they saw or how they felt or what dying was like in general. People who have a near-death experience and experience that whole “My-Life-Flashed-Before-My-Eyes” thing gives people the idea, “Aha! That’s what happens before you die – your life flashes before your eyes.” But…that’s just a theory. Maybe your life flashes before your eyes only in a near-death experience. The full-fledged death experience could be an entirely different thing.

Have you ever wondered if someone knows they’re going to die? I’m not talking about the terminally ill or the people who are realistic and logical enough to sit down and actually think about and accept the fact that one day the will die. I’m talking about the people that die very suddenly, without warning.

So perhaps to that you’re thinking, “Well, no. Of course they don’t know they’re going to die if they have a sudden, unexpected death.” Like….say….a car crash, for example. You can say that the person who dies in an accident on the road never saw it coming. Perhaps, for that exact moment, they didn’t. They did not know they were going to have an eighteen-wheeler t-bone them. They didn’t know the exact when, where, or how. But...what if for weeks, maybe even months, they had this idea in the back of their head that they were going to die soon. They couldn’t tell anyone because they would just sound crazy, right? There’s really no way of knowing, is there?

Anyway. I'm gonna go see what's on T.V.

day two

despite getting too much sleep, i feel better than i have been feeling in a while.

i keep waking up at 5 or 6 in the morning...but i cannot get myself out of bed for anything. i'll just lie there and drift in and out of strange dreams or stay in that half-awake state until about 10 o'clock. then i'll finally get up and go about my day, silently lamenting over the fact that i've lost most of the hours in which to actually get stuff done. slightly ironic in that after a teeny spark of motivation, it's gone. and aside from dishes, laundry, taking care of my grandfather and getting homework done...i really have no desire to do anything.

getting up at 10 wouldn't be such an issue if i were on my normal schedule -- my normal schedule of staying up till three or four in the morning. i, however, quickly lose consciousness by ten o'clock. eleven o'clock if i fight the sleep.

not even conan o'brien can get me to stay up. how tragic.

so..yeah. twelve hours of sleep. interrupted sleep. but twelve hours of being wrapped up in soft covers and refusing to get up....it's a bit of a problem, no? this is my favorite time of year with my favorite weather and less of the harsh sunlight and beautiful autumn colors. i should be enjoying this more.




but despite all that i have just told you...i am feeling pretty good today.
i've gotten more done than usual and i keep eyeballing the volumes of text on the bookshelves next to me. a session with a good book, autumn air and a mug of herbal tea sounds wonderful right now.


could the cleanse be responsible for my uplifted mood today? perhaps.
could it be too soon to tell? perhaps.

we'll have to see.

fix it

every day i arrive at school at the same time.
and every day i watch the same girl spend 7 minutes parking her red toyota camry in the parking garage.
she backs up, pulls forward, backs up, pulls forward, backs up, gets out of her car, looks, shakes her head, pulls forward, backs up, gets out of her car, looks, shrugs, grabs her stuff, locks the car up and makes her way across the street.

i have to watch her every morning. i don't know why. if i don't watch her it's kind of like going to disney world without seeing mickey mouse.


i'm easily amused.


so, anyway. i need a break from food. my body is feeling rather slow and sluggish. my mind has had this constant cloudiness stopping me from...well...too much. i seek clarity, both mental and physical. my solution to achieving this is by partaking in a cleanse. we'll see after four days how long i'll keep up with it.
i don't know what's going on but i'm just not enjoying food. i haven't actually felt hunger for about three weeks now. when i do feel hungry, it passes within minutes. when i quickly find something to eat before the hunger growling goes away, i'm full after a few bites. and even if whatever i'm eating is absolutely delicious...i don't have that yummy feeling of satisfaction afterward. i don't feel full in an, "mmm" sort of way. it's more of a "ungh" kind of way. instead of feeling good, i feel swollen.

the last time i had this general feeling of ickiness i did this cleanse for about three or four days. after the last day i felt pretty good again. like my system reset itself. good feeling. so that's why i'm doing this again.

aside from feeling better, my mind was a lot clearer. i felt sharper. my imagination soared, i did better than usual in my studies, and i could actually focus. i cannot express how difficult it is for me to focus.


clarity. i crave it.

nothing.

just another day of accomplishing nothing. sigh.

"...underachieving...
'cause no one's receiving..."