41 degrees

the right music is needed to harmonize with the ripples of cool air coming in through the open window.


...right now...this is perfect:

insomnia

i feel the need to mention that i slept for about three hours last night. i have no idea how i'm still conscious despite my efforts to surrender to the realm of dreams.

my heart has been twitching recently. this surprises me since, for quite a long time now, i've felt a bit...insensitive. numb really isn't the right word for it. numbness is usually associated with cold, and i definitely don't feel cold. i just feel detached. or at least i did, until now.

i feel the need to clarify the fact that this detachment has actually been quite pleasant. i like the shield i have around me. i'm in my impenetrable bubble where very little can reach me. things that used to make me angry don't matter. they're on the other side. sometimes things get through and they bounce around the walls; little balls of emotion-evoking energy. if i'm not careful, these energy orbs will smack me right in the face. usually i can just grab them and toss them right out, though. no big deal.

i'm still trying to distinguish the difference between emotional stability and emotional flatness. (Flatness. Hm. Can't think of a better word.)
i could either just still be working into the transition of adulthood. after spending many years as an over-emotional teenager, not being over-emotional is a big change. so am i just growing up?

or.

as i have written about soooo many times....because it's when i'm thinking about such things that i'm inspired to share.....is there something a bit...off? am i not supposed to be in this bubble? i'm not distressed, so it's okay...right?

i will admit, however, that at times i have found myself to be quite frustrated. frustrated at the fact that with this new sensation of balance, i seem to lack passion. just as i don't despair over the inevitable, i also don't feel excited about much. this bothered me for some time.

but! as i mentioned in my opening statement: my heart twitched with feeling. which means that the numbness (okay, fine, numbness) is being poked at.

what's responsible for this? why....music, of course. and, though it's rare, the right film can bring me to the verge of tears.

ah. that's another thing i'm curious about; my inability (it seems) to cry. i will, at times, feel that knot in my chest as my tear ducts activate, but nothing happens. is that a part of adulthood as well?


enjoy ♥

*crickets chirping*

i don't know what to say.

as soon as i think of something, you'll be the first to know.

those who can't...uh...don't....

i wish i had talent.

sigh.

can't get enough...

my obsession of the past 48 hours.

deaths and stuff. can't help it.

Those experiencing death can’t tell you their story. They can’t tell you what they saw or how they felt or what dying was like in general. People who have a near-death experience and experience that whole “My-Life-Flashed-Before-My-Eyes” thing gives people the idea, “Aha! That’s what happens before you die – your life flashes before your eyes.” But…that’s just a theory. Maybe your life flashes before your eyes only in a near-death experience. The full-fledged death experience could be an entirely different thing.

Have you ever wondered if someone knows they’re going to die? I’m not talking about the terminally ill or the people who are realistic and logical enough to sit down and actually think about and accept the fact that one day the will die. I’m talking about the people that die very suddenly, without warning.

So perhaps to that you’re thinking, “Well, no. Of course they don’t know they’re going to die if they have a sudden, unexpected death.” Like….say….a car crash, for example. You can say that the person who dies in an accident on the road never saw it coming. Perhaps, for that exact moment, they didn’t. They did not know they were going to have an eighteen-wheeler t-bone them. They didn’t know the exact when, where, or how. But...what if for weeks, maybe even months, they had this idea in the back of their head that they were going to die soon. They couldn’t tell anyone because they would just sound crazy, right? There’s really no way of knowing, is there?

Anyway. I'm gonna go see what's on T.V.