4 o'clock in the morning

There's something about 4am. Something...beautiful and stimulating and rare.

This particular 4am is extra wonderful for being slightly drizzly (a downpour would be much better...but this is still nice) and for the air being a sweet, refreshing 67 degrees.

I woke up to the cool air gently brushing over my skin, giving me goosebumps.

Except for the sounds of songbirds, the rain, rustling foliage, and my neighbors' central air units, (which reeeeaaally don't need to be on. sigh.) it is blissfully quiet.

Forcing myself to be a Day Person hasn't been without difficulty. I miss my dark, slightly chilled, quiet nights. I miss seeing the mornings from the other side - from dark to light - rather than by being rudely awakened by the tugging sunbeams. I don't like the fact that once the sun sets, once I actually feel awake and alive again, I must force myself to sleep with the guidance of a little round pill.

never in my life have i ever appreciated the beauty of spring until this year. autumn and winter are my seasons. especially autumn.

i've always generally disliked spring. i guess it was mostly because i find the transition from cold to warm to be uncomfortable. after a sweltering hot summer, autumn is most refreshing. but after a cozy winter, spring is just kinda....eh. you put a sweater on and you're too hot. take it off, you're too cold. the sun is strong and warms your skin and cooks you in your car, but the breeze is cool and you end up with goosebumps.

very uncomfortable.

but this spring...like....right now....i'm looking around like i've never seen this season before. it's odd. this must be a part of growing older; actually noticing and appreciating things on a different level.

never have i found myself standing in the middle of the sidewalk, just gazing up in awe at the vivid blossoms on the trees i can't identify aside from cherry blossoms, weeping cherries, and dogwoods. how have i never cared about this before?!? gorgeous. absolutely beautiful. especially when the delicate pink blossom petals get coaxed by the wind to let go of its tree and flutter down like confetti.

is this sounding terribly cheesy? i can't help it. this is so strange. it's like i've been asleep all my life during this time of year. i can't express that enough.

and everything is so.....green. i love that. i miss my snow, but i'm really digging the green.

i have no idea where i've been all this time. this really isn't groundbreaking or anything.

but...

...wow.
yeah.

i heart quebec city

i took a spontaneous mini-vacation to Quebec City. 12 hour drive each way. totally worth it.

my 'ol high school buddy and i went up to visit our friend who was an exchange student our senior year.

my husband didn't want to come along because he didn't want to leave the cats behind. yep, that's right. i married a crazy cat guy.

Quebec City is quite possibly one of the greatest cities in the world. i am totally in love with the place. where else can you party on the roof of an apartment complex with your own personal dj without having anyone call the cops on you? not Baltimore, that's for sure. unless...i've just been going to the wrong parties...

the food...OH the food! there are REAL bakeries. REAL cafes. REAL butchers. POUTINE!

there's so much to do, so much to see. such culture. and preserved history. beautiful architecture. amazing people.

the people carry themselves differently in Quebec City than they do around here. people there are more confident. they walk tall and they don't have shifty eyes. they don't act paranoid, and they're perfectly comfortable being alone. here, people feel awkward being alone. you can tell from their expressions. they keep themselves occupied (or try to look busy) by texting or talking on the phone. in Quebec City, you don't see any of that. people are perfectly okay with venturing off themselves.

despite the stellar time i had, i was feeling less than awesome. i had a headache for pretty much 4 days straight, i was worn out thanks to *ahem*girlyissues*cough* (tmi?) but despite all that i was in a pretty good mood. i was definitely having fun, but i don't show enthusiasm in a hyper, giddy way. i'm pretty mellow, even if on the inside i'm all, "OMG THIS IS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!"


i use the word "awesome" a lot. hmm.

i was getting reeeaaaally frustrated because everyone, for 3 days straight, kept asking, "Are you okay?" and "Are you having fun?" and "Is everything all right?"

very. very. annoying.

ah...and my favorite, "You're being really quiet today."

really quiet...today? because i'm not normally quiet?
i am quiet by nature. unless i have something really interesting or entertaining to say, i generally keep to myself. i have always always always been like this. people act like it's out of character.


i don't get it.


plus, everyone was speaking French anyway. sooooo....it's not like i could jump into the conversation. unless i just threw in random phrases like, "J'aime fromage!" or "Je suis un grande pomme de terre!"

actually...
that might have been kinda funny...

aww *crush*

sigh. sooooo....fictional characters.




i used to play video games quite often. maybe for about 2 hours a day. 3 or 4 hours on the weekends. if i really liked the game i'd play nonstop for about...ohhhh...3 days straight. liiike, Fable, for example. and The Sims. and Condemned: Criminal Origins.



but unfortunately, i haven't had the time nor the luxury to engage in such zombie-esque fun. granted i have taken up some new hobbies like kayaking and hiking and all sorts of crafty stuff. and i've been crazy busy taking care of my grandfather/going to school/and stuff.

my husband (still feels weird saying that) signed us up for gamefly. why? i do not know. it would have been great to have it a few years ago when we actually played more often (and wasted quite a bit of money on horrible, horrible games) and didn't have so many other things to take up our time. but we have gamefly now and actually it worked out pretty well seeing as how we got a couple of games in riiiiight before the epic snowstorm(s) of last month. he chose some Madden football game.

i chose Dragon Age.

yeah.






so now i have a crush on a fictional character named Alistair allllll because of that game.

i'm such a nerd.

"come on down to the other side"

addictive song/trippy video of the day.

i've had this song on repeat for the past....oh.....3 hours.

enjoy!

stuffs i loves.

for the hell of it...a list of things i love. ready?

in no particular order:

snow.

black&white photography.

irony.

sushi.

penguins.

5 o'clock in the morning.

catching people off-guard by doing something unpredictable.

cats.

Commander Keen. (anyone?)

kimchi.

boys that wear eyeliner.

steampunk anything.

stars.

lucid dreams.

Repo! The Genetic Opera.

knitting. (shh.)

silence.

mountains.

hot showers in the dead of winter.

cold showers in the summer.

kayaking.

solitude.

wine.

teddy bears.

"Propane Nightmares" by Pendulum.

socks.

cucumbers.

exhaustion, resulting in loss of consciousness the very moment head makes contact with pillow.

traveling by train.

ramen.

blankets.

fresh air.

coconuts.


nothing groundbreaking.
nothing original.
but it's me.

bleak

i feel like a stranger living in an harrowing and unfamiliar world. i feel like i don't belong here anymore.

any spark of inspiration is just that - a mere spark that sizzles and extinguishes as quickly as it ignited.

at random moments throughout the day i'll perk up at the thought of writing down my daydreams or putting the odd things that go through my mind down in a sketchbook/journal or going out and putting my canon eos 40d to good use...

seconds later the minuscule bit of motivation is gone.

embraces feel cold and empty.

i feel somewhat distanced from my closest friends.

nothing is exciting or inspiring or magical.


music doesn't take me away like it used to. it doesn't quite set the atmosphere or mood to where it could be. it doesn't affect me or my emotions anymore.



how depressing.


here's the thing: i'm not depressed.


i realize these things i just listed should bother me, but i don't really feel.....anything.

just blah. very, very blah.


hopefully this will pass. it's been about a year and a half now that i've felt this way. it hasn't gotten worse. it's just been constant.

a constant, unwavering feeling of apathy, spiritless, disenchanted nothingness.

meh.

i'll figure it out.