being productive? why, yes! well...sort of...

okay! so... extremely quick update #1: i'm 7 months pregnant! wow. yeah! more on that later. oooooh, suspense!!

quick update #2: my bestie and i have an Etsy shop! we're starting off with knit goodies (which is limited to scarves at this moment) and hopefully we'll be able to expand. our plan is to sell jewelry, stylish tote bags, scarves, and baby stuff (little socks, hats, blankets, etc.) all hand-made, of course!

here's a peek:


take a look!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/EdenOutOfReach

pregnancy.

pregnancy does funny things to you.

i haven't cried this much over nothing since high school.

mixed feelings.

i have so much i want to accomplish, so many things i want to do, so many places i want to go.
yet...here i am. doing nothing. going nowhere.

sunshine and elation.

my inability to pay attention when it's most important is irritating me.
my inability to express exactly what's on my mind in the most effective way is also bothersome.

oh, but the sun has never felt so good on my skin! the air is sweeter, colors are brighter, edges are smoothed out a bit.

i know it's only temporary...but...i can enjoy it, right? ignoring it will make it hurt less when it's taken away, but i don't care.

today, i don't care.

stop.

i wish my mother would stop giving me reasons to be angry at her to the point where just thinking about her stirs up hideous emotions that make my chest hurt.

she's a horrible person.


what happened to my mommy?


fuck.

comma, comma

i realize that i misuse commas. unlike some other abusers of the punctuation mark, i am not in denial. i am aware of the problem. i'm working on being a better person.




don't judge me.

41 degrees

the right music is needed to harmonize with the ripples of cool air coming in through the open window.


...right now...this is perfect:

insomnia

i feel the need to mention that i slept for about three hours last night. i have no idea how i'm still conscious despite my efforts to surrender to the realm of dreams.

my heart has been twitching recently. this surprises me since, for quite a long time now, i've felt a bit...insensitive. numb really isn't the right word for it. numbness is usually associated with cold, and i definitely don't feel cold. i just feel detached. or at least i did, until now.

i feel the need to clarify the fact that this detachment has actually been quite pleasant. i like the shield i have around me. i'm in my impenetrable bubble where very little can reach me. things that used to make me angry don't matter. they're on the other side. sometimes things get through and they bounce around the walls; little balls of emotion-evoking energy. if i'm not careful, these energy orbs will smack me right in the face. usually i can just grab them and toss them right out, though. no big deal.

i'm still trying to distinguish the difference between emotional stability and emotional flatness. (Flatness. Hm. Can't think of a better word.)
i could either just still be working into the transition of adulthood. after spending many years as an over-emotional teenager, not being over-emotional is a big change. so am i just growing up?

or.

as i have written about soooo many times....because it's when i'm thinking about such things that i'm inspired to share.....is there something a bit...off? am i not supposed to be in this bubble? i'm not distressed, so it's okay...right?

i will admit, however, that at times i have found myself to be quite frustrated. frustrated at the fact that with this new sensation of balance, i seem to lack passion. just as i don't despair over the inevitable, i also don't feel excited about much. this bothered me for some time.

but! as i mentioned in my opening statement: my heart twitched with feeling. which means that the numbness (okay, fine, numbness) is being poked at.

what's responsible for this? why....music, of course. and, though it's rare, the right film can bring me to the verge of tears.

ah. that's another thing i'm curious about; my inability (it seems) to cry. i will, at times, feel that knot in my chest as my tear ducts activate, but nothing happens. is that a part of adulthood as well?


enjoy ♥

*crickets chirping*

i don't know what to say.

as soon as i think of something, you'll be the first to know.